Wednesday, 31 July 2013

An Aspie in love

vintage picture of pretty woman with a sleepy, somewhat seductive expression, holding a fabric heart
No, I'm not writing this because I'm in a relationship.  I'm not, haven't been for nearly 15 years, and don't expect to be any time soon or indeed ever.  Relationships, in the romantic sense, just aren't something I do.

When I was what is these days called a tween, I had crushes on male celebrities and maybe one or two boys I knew in real life.  They were pretty intense, thanks to Aspie obsessions doing what they do best, but I wasn't any loopier than some of the fangirls you'll find on Tumblr these days.  (And I was a lot less public about it.)  While Aspergers may have come into my tween crush stage, I think most of it was just being an adolescent girl.

Since then I've had a range of disasters and near-misses.  A very serious relationship with a man damn near 20 years my senior, which isn't insurmountable if you're both grown adults but I was still in my teens when it started.  A guy met on the internet who didn't turn up for the date.  Failing at flirting so hard my target didn't actually notice my attempts (which, in hindsight, means we both dodged a bullet.)  Inadvertently giving a poor guy I met at a Doctor Who convention really, really mixed signals.  Not making a move on someone I really fancied because I thought anyone that good would obviously be taken, only to find out he was single after he passed away.  Fancying a girl at school, but not doing anything about it because there's no way that wouldn't have ended really, really, really, really badly.

If you'd asked me-as-a-child what I wanted to do when I grew up, I'd have said exploring Egypt or digging up dinosaur bones or being a famous actor, depending on which phase I was going through.  But what I actually expected I'd do when I grew up was get married, have babies, and be a stay at home Mum.  That was what most of the female characters did in books and TV shows. It's what Nana did.  It's what Mum did.  (Except Mum also worked AND ran her own business, because she was an arse-kicking 80s Mum who got shit done.)  It was just what women did.

But it didn't.  Because, for reasons that wouldn't make sense until I'd lived a quarter of a century, that's the one thing I'm not really wired up to do.